For most of my life I was disconnected from my internal/emotional world, the beautiful dark nebulous world of my inner yin, as many of us are. There are so many factors that contribute to this dissociation, and for me it was rooted deeply into a chasm that was built at about the age of 2 to protect me from those around me.
You see, it was at the age of two that my parents divorced and my father became my primary caretaker. This is also the age of my first memory of him molesting me. This continued until I finally put an end to it at 12 years old. This act alone resulted in so much damage to my inner union. My mind threw up blockades and built beliefs to protect me: It wasn’t safe to voice my ‘no’. My simple existence meant my body was an invitation to the masculine. I didn’t have the luxury to play because there were predators about that must be wary of. Men were not safe and were not responsible for the actions caused by their strong needs and desires sexually. I must constantly defend myself against those around me that wish me harm and so, so many more. My own inner masculine distanced my tender inner feminine realm as far away from what was happening in the 3D is he possibly could. A chasm was ripped in my psyche to protect this innocent flower from my daily experience.
My father also had to dissociate as a child, the result of his own abuse. This left him with no capacity whatsoever to hold any of my emotional expression. This manifested in his attempt to completely squash and shut down of any emotional outburst, defiance or other big emotion that triggered his own. In turn, this taught a part of me that I must be easy with men, pliable, never too much for them to handle. That my emotions were the source of rejection from the masculine.
Affection was not something that was experienced in my fathers’ home. He would hug us and tell us that he loved us, but his body was stiff and rigid and his words were often flat. The deeply sensing part of me that still existed could feel and see the pain laced in his face and words. This broke my heart, because despite it all, I was a daddy’s girl. Of course, I was. Because Daddy is his little girls first love no matter what kind of love that is. This is what teaches us what we are worthy of in relationship.
In fact, physical abuse was common in my home. I experienced this to a lesser extent that my older brother, who received the bulk of it. My father would carve a 2×4 with a handle and holes in it to ‘reduce air drag’ to spank us with when he graduated from his leather belt. By the time my brother was a teenager, punishment begun to devolve into the use of fists and feet. Witnessing my big brother broken, crying and begging as I heard his screams was every bit as scarring to me as the abuse itself. As I grew older, and just before I put a stop to the sexual abuse, my punishments began to take a sexual tone. Ordering the removal of my pants to expose my thong and bare ass, asking me to get on my hands and knees and arch my back so that “the angle was right”.
My beautiful but deeply wounded mother went on to marry another man, who while not abusive so much toward myself, was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to my mother. As my brother grew older, he tried to protect my mother from this and the situation often turned into physical altercations between him and our mom’s husband.
Needless to say, this experience created so, so many layers of anger, guilt, shame, unworthiness and powerful distrust in the masculine, and yet also desperate cravings for attention, affection and to earn the love of the masculine.
As a teenager and young adult, I was hard, defensive, serious, and adopted a “don’t fuck with me” attitude to protect all the tenderness within that I was completely unaware even existed.
My relationships were full of men who were emotionally unavailable and disconnected sexually. I often felt used and abandoned, yet I would chase these men in an attempt to earn their love.
In my adult life, I prided myself on being level headed and rational. The truth was, I was emotionally numbed. I could feel only a small portion of the spectrum of emotion because I had so much pain, grief, sadness and unworthiness locked inside me. When I locked those harder feelings away, I also limited my ability to feel joy, love, pleasure and abundance. You see we don’t realize that our range of emotions exist in a space that is inseparable, the core of who we are, yin and yang, dark and light. When you limit one, it automatically limits the other.
As I peeled through the layers of my own experience and learned to witness, hold and release these threads, my experience of life, depth of feeling, and vulnerability in connections began to grow. I learned to hold space in the darkness for all that is there longing to be loved. My body began to soften and my claws began to retract. My sense of trust and safety in my experience with the masculine began to grow. I began to see the experiences that live within the body as the current upon which the surface ripples of painful action flow. I began to sense my calling and my gifts of service in this world.
As I have learned to understand the dynamics of union within my own body, I have learned so much about the state of the masculine and feminine collective conscious. The deep longing that exists for connection and the distortions, mistrust, pain, and confusion that stand in the way, and all of the incomplete emotional traumas that fuel it. I have learned so many ways in which the state of our inner union, as well as the dynamics of interaction in returning to union, are mirrored in our relationships with others.
I have cultivated a sacred womb container where I dance with others in the darkness as we traverse their inner terrain. I remain grounded while they explore and express years of primal rage and raw emotion. I hold them and tenderly witness and welcome their numbness and frustration. I cry with them while they tap into exquisitely painful and tender grief, sadness and longing. I stand in awe every time of the wisdom and guidance their body reveals as they learn to direct the powerful penetrative presence of their conscious mind down into this nebulous inner realm. I hold them in their ecstatic pleasure as waves of energy and bliss move through their body as they return to their natural state of flow.
I have witnessed so many beautiful women who are stepping into their gifts of service in helping to bloom the feminine right now; yin uplifting, witnessing, understanding and healing yin. I have also begun to see some amazing men step forward to hold this space for their brothers; yang supporting, accepting, holding and healing yang. It makes my womb and heart sing to feel this!
What I feel missing though is the unique healing that we hold for each other as the yin and yang. The kind of healing we can experience when being held in divine container of the polar energy holds its own gifts and resonates with different levels of emotional traumas experienced. I feel so deeply called as a woman to hold this sacred womb space as we work through the incomplete emotional trauma cycles in the masculine psyche.
If you feel an expression of masculine energy within you that feels out of alignment with the ways you desire to be showing up in the world… If you feel the longing, desire, or simple curiosity to explore the dynamics of union, to dance in darkness with and be held within the sacred container of the feminine, I would be honored to support your path. You can choose a time for a free zoom date with me where we will explore your experiences in connection with the union and what you feel you struggle with most. Together we will explore what shifts you desire to feel and I will share a taste of my own insights and see how they resonate for you. Together we will decide if creation of a supportive container to traverse these layers feels good and discuss the next steps in our own unique dance.